Ideas for John Buchanan

Posted: May 10, 2009 in Cricket
Tags: , , ,

Kolkata Knight-riders are the favorite whipping boys of IPL – 2. The team can be used as a classic case-study for how not to run a sports team. They have been constantly bungling on and off the field since the start of the season. It all started from the multiple-captain theory. The captaincy was finally given to 1st season hero Brendon McCullum. This led to a sulking Dada and wide spread protests in Kolkata. Then, came the controversy of the blog supposedly written by a member of the KKR playing squad which spilled the beans on the ugly behind the scenes events in the teams. This blog is currently a raging success in the blogosphere, with the “Fake IPL player” giving juicy tidbits almost every other day.

Actually, the bungling and controversies associated with the KKR team is too long to list down!

To make the matters worse, the KKR team’s performance on the field have been woeful. Just 3 points after 9 nine games courtesy of rain on both occasions and a bit of Chris Gayle, they are the Deccan Chargers of the 2nd season. Team owner SRK initially shot his mouth off before returning home in a huff not able to see his team getting beat comprehensively every match. The team looks thoroughly disjointed and most of the players can’t wait for the tournament to get over to escape the ordeal. Dada with his almighty ego has been sleep-walking through this tournament not having done anything of note till date. Well you probably can’t blame him. He is just enjoying a paid holiday at the expense of SRK.

New captain McCullum is one poor harassed soul. With an inept team at this disposal and his own horrendous form, every match is a 3rd degree torture for him. Well, you’ve got to feel for the poor guy. With no prior experience of captaincy at the international level, he has been asked to do the impossible. Facing the press after each defeat, McCullum has been magnanimous to own up for all his team’s failings. Still, he has been the butt of all jokes.

Amidst all these ruins, John Buchanan the head coach of KKR has maintained a stoic silence unaffected by the madness around him. He still does not pass an opportunity to talk to the press about the innovations he would like to bring to the game. Like a true leader, he sends McCullum to the press meets after each defeat to face the music while he cools his heels in the hotel room conjuring up his next innovation! With team-owner SRK’s un-flinching support, Buchanan has cast his net far and wide to find his next bright idea.

Looking at Buchanan’s noble vision of revolutionizing the simple game of bat and ball, the Iceman too decided to contribute his bit by offering a few ideas for him, free of cost. So, here goes…

1) Ban Icon players from the IPL, especially those that go by the initials of SCG.

2) Lobby Lalit Modi to allow each team to have as many foreign players as they want. Teams with Indian players, especially from Kolkata can be docked 20 runs for each player.

3) Teams with the maximum number of Australian players or the most stylish music video or team jersey can also be given a special award by the IPL.

4) All KKR players must complete a course on strategy and leadership before they can become eligible for selection. The course should have compulsory content from the acclaimed works of Sun Tzu and Edward de Bono.

5) Organize the KKR team into several departments – Batting, bowling – fast & spin, running, catching, throwing, sledging, and tossing. Have separate captains and coaches for each.

6) Hire his entire extended family to help the team. Just like his son Michael is the now the “Strength” coach, he can hire his mom as the food coach, his dad as relaxation coach, his brother as the running coach and his sister as the skipping coach.

7) KKR to get 2 additional overs to bat. A reward for being the most innovative team in the competition.

8. No coach of another team should have played international cricket.

9) Sunil Gavaskar should be banned from doing commentary and writing columns in newspapers about KKR.

10) KKR to be renamed as Queensland Knight-riders.

11) Hire the “Fake IPL Player” as a member of the KKR coaching staff. The guy seems to have some innovative ideas!!

12) Offer a movie contract to the best KKR player of the tournament as a performance incentive to play the villain in the next Rajnikanth movie. They after all, have very good experience in getting bashed up.

13) Hire crack spies to eves-drop on other team’s meetings. Not that this is going to help too much, but still no harm in trying.

14) Train his team in sign language so that they can communicate without the knowledge of the other team on the field. Organize dumb-charades and pictionary sessions among the players to hone these alternate communication skills.

15) Make all the bowlers bat up the order and the batsman to bowl all the overs. Could surprise the opposition. In any case, the team can’t do any worse than they are at the moment.

16) Change ICC rules and bring back aluminum bats. These can probably help McCullum finally put bat to ball. They can also use special adhesives on player’s hands to help in holding on to some catches.

17) Hire a body language coach so that the KKR players keep their chin up and smile even when they get walloped each match. An unhappy dejected team is not good for the team sponsors.

18) Give the KKR players ESOP’s in the team as an added inventive. They are going to be worthless anyway.

19) Hire superstars from other sports like Tiger woods, Lebron James, Rafael Nadal and Valentino Rossi to give a different dimension to the KKR team. Again, the team can’t do any worse. No harm in experimenting.

20) Hire Steve Waugh for the team as he is the only one who understands Buchanan’s mumbo-jumbo.

If all fails, Buchanan can still take his fat pay from SRK and write a tell-all book on his experiences in the IPL and with the KKR team and make a killing. He can even hire the fake IPL player on the project!!!

  1. Bilal says:

    Keep it up man…
    u can replace mandira bedi at least.

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