Archive for the ‘Cricket’ Category

Ideas for John Buchanan

Posted: May 10, 2009 in Cricket
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Kolkata Knight-riders are the favorite whipping boys of IPL – 2. The team can be used as a classic case-study for how not to run a sports team. They have been constantly bungling on and off the field since the start of the season. It all started from the multiple-captain theory. The captaincy was finally given to 1st season hero Brendon McCullum. This led to a sulking Dada and wide spread protests in Kolkata. Then, came the controversy of the blog supposedly written by a member of the KKR playing squad which spilled the beans on the ugly behind the scenes events in the teams. This blog is currently a raging success in the blogosphere, with the “Fake IPL player” giving juicy tidbits almost every other day.

Actually, the bungling and controversies associated with the KKR team is too long to list down!

To make the matters worse, the KKR team’s performance on the field have been woeful. Just 3 points after 9 nine games courtesy of rain on both occasions and a bit of Chris Gayle, they are the Deccan Chargers of the 2nd season. Team owner SRK initially shot his mouth off before returning home in a huff not able to see his team getting beat comprehensively every match. The team looks thoroughly disjointed and most of the players can’t wait for the tournament to get over to escape the ordeal. Dada with his almighty ego has been sleep-walking through this tournament not having done anything of note till date. Well you probably can’t blame him. He is just enjoying a paid holiday at the expense of SRK.

New captain McCullum is one poor harassed soul. With an inept team at this disposal and his own horrendous form, every match is a 3rd degree torture for him. Well, you’ve got to feel for the poor guy. With no prior experience of captaincy at the international level, he has been asked to do the impossible. Facing the press after each defeat, McCullum has been magnanimous to own up for all his team’s failings. Still, he has been the butt of all jokes.

Amidst all these ruins, John Buchanan the head coach of KKR has maintained a stoic silence unaffected by the madness around him. He still does not pass an opportunity to talk to the press about the innovations he would like to bring to the game. Like a true leader, he sends McCullum to the press meets after each defeat to face the music while he cools his heels in the hotel room conjuring up his next innovation! With team-owner SRK’s un-flinching support, Buchanan has cast his net far and wide to find his next bright idea.

Looking at Buchanan’s noble vision of revolutionizing the simple game of bat and ball, the Iceman too decided to contribute his bit by offering a few ideas for him, free of cost. So, here goes…

1) Ban Icon players from the IPL, especially those that go by the initials of SCG.

2) Lobby Lalit Modi to allow each team to have as many foreign players as they want. Teams with Indian players, especially from Kolkata can be docked 20 runs for each player.

3) Teams with the maximum number of Australian players or the most stylish music video or team jersey can also be given a special award by the IPL.

4) All KKR players must complete a course on strategy and leadership before they can become eligible for selection. The course should have compulsory content from the acclaimed works of Sun Tzu and Edward de Bono.

5) Organize the KKR team into several departments – Batting, bowling – fast & spin, running, catching, throwing, sledging, and tossing. Have separate captains and coaches for each.

6) Hire his entire extended family to help the team. Just like his son Michael is the now the “Strength” coach, he can hire his mom as the food coach, his dad as relaxation coach, his brother as the running coach and his sister as the skipping coach.

7) KKR to get 2 additional overs to bat. A reward for being the most innovative team in the competition.

8. No coach of another team should have played international cricket.

9) Sunil Gavaskar should be banned from doing commentary and writing columns in newspapers about KKR.

10) KKR to be renamed as Queensland Knight-riders.

11) Hire the “Fake IPL Player” as a member of the KKR coaching staff. The guy seems to have some innovative ideas!!

12) Offer a movie contract to the best KKR player of the tournament as a performance incentive to play the villain in the next Rajnikanth movie. They after all, have very good experience in getting bashed up.

13) Hire crack spies to eves-drop on other team’s meetings. Not that this is going to help too much, but still no harm in trying.

14) Train his team in sign language so that they can communicate without the knowledge of the other team on the field. Organize dumb-charades and pictionary sessions among the players to hone these alternate communication skills.

15) Make all the bowlers bat up the order and the batsman to bowl all the overs. Could surprise the opposition. In any case, the team can’t do any worse than they are at the moment.

16) Change ICC rules and bring back aluminum bats. These can probably help McCullum finally put bat to ball. They can also use special adhesives on player’s hands to help in holding on to some catches.

17) Hire a body language coach so that the KKR players keep their chin up and smile even when they get walloped each match. An unhappy dejected team is not good for the team sponsors.

18) Give the KKR players ESOP’s in the team as an added inventive. They are going to be worthless anyway.

19) Hire superstars from other sports like Tiger woods, Lebron James, Rafael Nadal and Valentino Rossi to give a different dimension to the KKR team. Again, the team can’t do any worse. No harm in experimenting.

20) Hire Steve Waugh for the team as he is the only one who understands Buchanan’s mumbo-jumbo.

If all fails, Buchanan can still take his fat pay from SRK and write a tell-all book on his experiences in the IPL and with the KKR team and make a killing. He can even hire the fake IPL player on the project!!!

The IPL Tamasha

Posted: April 25, 2009 in Cricket
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When the IPL started last year, I was instantly hooked. For 45 days, IPL was part of my daily routine. I also got myself a season ticket at MAC and even managed to catch 5 matches at the stadium. So when IPL2 commenced this year, I was eagerly looking forward to it. However the first week was a complete damp squib. It was probably due to the tournament being hosted by South Africa. Probably it was the rains or perhaps the fatigue factor. Whatever it was, I was no longer a fan.

So, I sat down and analyzed what had changed over the last year. I realized that nothing much has changed except that IPL has lost all its initial charm. Everything that worked for it last year is now a big pain in the ***. IPL’s unabashed commercial nature can easily get on the nerve of a true fan of the game. Despite its stated aim of being cricket’s version of the EPL / NBA, the game has taken a complete back seat this season. The organizers are trying to flog the hen that lays the golden egg.

So here is a list of things about the IPL that gets on my nerve…

1) Lalit Modi – Dude, get a life. Stop hobnobbing with film stars and business tycoons and start watching the matches at home or from your hotel room. We can’t stand the sight of you, let alone watch you a minimum of 10 times each day. The same goes to you too Mr. IS Bindra.

2) Celebrity team owners – SRK, Preity, Shipa, and the rest of the gang. Pls learn from the team owners from other sports. Take a back seat and let ur team play. U don’t have to jump up and down every match to show ur presence. Ur team will not miss u one bit.

  • SRK – Can u stop blowing kisses to the crowd and start acting for a change? Stop giving inane interviews on everything under the sun. U don’t need to have an opinion on everything in the world. It’s good that KKR have not won anything of note this year. We can’t stand the sight of ur cronies like Arjun Rampal celebrating with u.
  • Preity – Stop waving ur team flag!! Nobody recognizes it. For more, pls refer my comments on SRK.
  • Shilpa – Pls learn the rules of the game and wipe that grin of ur face!!!

3) DLF Maximums & Citi moments of success – The poor commentators have been instructed to use the DLF name on air, as much as possible. So every time a six is hit we are treated to several versions of DLF maximum. Some popular ones are “That didn’t register on the DLF scale”, “That had DLF written all over it!”, “That’s the first time he has been DLFed!”, “That’s a DLFer!” etc., Need I say anything more??? And don’t even get me started on “Citi moments of success”.

4) The Trophy – It’s a garish looking ugly trophy. So, please don’t show it over and over each match.

5) Strategy Break – This is a commercial innovation that is virtually killing the game. T20 is supposed to be fast and full of action. Modi’s innovation to make more bucks is totally killing all excitement that starts building in a game.

6) Commentators – It pains me to see the former greats of the game stoop to such levels to further the IPL’s greed. Please stop using these nonsensical adjectives over and over. We know players like Flintoff, Hayden etc., have big hands. Buckets if you will. We don’t need to be told some 10 times during a match. You also don’t need to keep saying that the stadium if full. We can see the empty spaces on TV!!!

7) Mandira Bedi & her Extra Innings crew – You guys are really boring!!! Pls watch John Dykes and his gang in ESPN Star’s Saturday EPL coverage and learn.

8) Sponsers – All sponsers get thanked every half an hour. The team jerseys are full of sponser tags of Companies I have never heard of!!

However, despite all these and many other drawbacks, I will continue to watch the IPL. The quality of the cricket is still very high. You can also get the joy of watching Shane Warne play again, cajoling the youngsters in his team to perform out of their skin.

So, Mr. Modi & Co, can you guys pls step back and let the game go on???